Bartenders Anonymous

Bartenders Are Begging You to Avoid These Amateur Drink-Ordering Moves

We asked several unnamed drink makers to reveal what they wish they could tell customers, but can’t.

Photography by Kim Doleatto July 1, 2022 Published in the July-August 2022 issue of Sarasota Magazine

“Please don’t order a piña colada or a mojito at a dive bar—wrong time and place. We don’t have the right ingredients.”

“If daiquiris aren't on the menu, don't order one. We can make it happen if we have a blender, but it’ll earn you rancor.”

“If the choice of wine by the glass is ‘white’ or ‘red,’ it’s probably best set aside for cooking or salad dressing.”

“If it’s dark outside, don't order a bloody Mary. You'll be getting some God-awful pre-mix and the bartender will pull together some last-minute garnishes to make it work. It's like ordering avocado toast for dinner.”

“People order a Manhattan because they watched a dapper dude order it on Mad Men or some movie with great wallpaper and sexy people from way back. It's a boozy drink, and you probably won’t like it unless you like the taste of its main ingredient: bourbon. Just because it has a cherry in it, doesn't mean it'll go down like a sundae.”

“Order what you will, but if it's an apple martini, we know you probably started drinking in the ’90s and camped out there ever since.”

“‘Surprise me.’ Ummm... No thank you. More often than not, I make the drink, and it gets sent back because they don't like it. Please give me some direction, at least. Otherwise, it'll be a bottle of beer.”

“Stop strategically placing your Ferrari car keys on the bartop to look cool. We know that trick and it won’t get you faster service.”

“If you're in a swanky bar and you order a drink with the word ‘sour’ in it, it calls for egg whites. Don't be grossed out. Trust me: Sour mix is the gross stuff.”

“Stop asking about calories. We're not dietitians. Here's a hint: If it tastes like a lollipop or dessert, it's loaded with calories."

“Adding Coke to Hennessey or good wine makes us a little sad.”

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