From The Editor

By Pam Daniel January 1, 2010

New Year’s Resolutions...


. For the giant sailor on the bayfront

Edwards: To replace Michelangelo's David as the symbol of Sarasota.

Storm: To stay here and keep this community talking about bad art.

Coolidge: To run for City Commission.

McCurdy: To finally get to second base.

2. For the Baltimore Orioles

Bentley: To dress up in Red Sox uniforms and make everyone happy.

Kirschner: To bring a high level of baseball excitement to Sarasota by selling pints of cough medicine spiked with Benzedrine at all our games.

Coolidge: To paint the town orange.

Edwards: I thought the Orioles were cookies.

3. For Art Nadel

Kirschner: To donate his entire estate, consisting of a nine-ball, a box of Tums and a clip tie, to the investors awaiting a notarized statement of his assets.

Bentley: He—and the Moodys—will resolve to work as hard this year to give back all the money as they did to make it.

Edwards: To “give everything to the poor and follow me.”

Coolidge: To quit referring to his brain as “addled” and call it what it really is—sociopathic.

4. For Facebook users

Storm: To return to human contact.

Coolidge: To remember that faces aren’t really friends.

Bentley: To stop sending quizzes about if I were a tree, what kind of tree would I be and to refrain from ever mentioning Mafia Wars again.

Edwards: What’s Facebook?

5. For local actor and

personality Cliff Roles

McCurdy: To finally admit his real family roots are in Aniston, Alabama.

Coolidge: To write the theatrical version of Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People.

Edwards: To stop using that phony British accent.

Plunket: Cliff who?

6. For city parking planners

Storm: To start taking their meds again.

Coolidge: To plan even more and implement even less.

Edwards: To require that any new parking structure be completely covered with vegetation.

Bentley: Parking? Who needs stinking parking?

7. For President Barack Obama

Edwards: To be a liberal.

Coolidge: To move from making elegant and inspiring statements to taking elegant and inspiring actions.

McCurdy: To keep his distance from Tiger Woods.

8. For Florida Gov. Charlie Crist

Kirschner: To make his campaign theme song Blowin’ in the Wind.

Bentley: To do public service ads for victims of tanning booths.

Coolidge: To wear a weather vane on his head so he can give his index finger a rest.

9. For the Sarasota Orchestra

Coolidge: To remember Beethoven’s statement that no one should drive a hard bargain with an artist.

Edwards: To make sure for years to come that the band plays on.

10. For Sarasota bankers

Edwards: To man up and lend.

McCurdy: To require all loan officers to pass the high school math section of the FCAT.

Coolidge: To act more like George Bailey in It’s a Wonderful Life and less like Gordon Gekko in Wall Street.

Storm: To figure out exactly what Shakespeare meant by “neither a borrower or a lender be.”

11. For beachfront property owners

Kirschner: To ask the county commission this question: If tourism is a season, why can’t we shoot them?

Coolidge: To pitch tents on their private beaches for Sarasota’s homeless.

12. For the Sarasota Herald-Tribune

McCurdy: To produce a weekday newspaper big enough to cover the bottom of a macaw cage.

Coolidge: To hire a local female weekly columnist. (Pick me! Pick me!)

Edwards: To aggressively report on arts and culture, which are the heart and soul of this community and the reason that everyone I know reads the paper.

13. For Sarasota city manager

Bob Bartolotta

Kirschner: To leave Sarasota to become city manager of Embryo, a small town on the outskirts of Wishful Thinking.

Plunket: To start house-hunting—in Albuquerque.

Bentley: To find a lock for the petty

cash drawer.

14. For proponents of

near-shore drilling

Storm: To move en masse to the Persian Gulf.

Coolidge: To walk a mile in the inky-black trails of all the stumbling, dragging, staggering birds and sea creatures that suffer and die because of oil spills.

Kirschner: Once they succeed, to turn off the lights—the party’s over.

15. For the homeless in

Five Points Park

Kirschner: To put up with the classical music but demand that the fried possum and corn pone for dinner will have to go.

Coolidge: To every Friday night join hands and sing “This land is my land, this land is your land” for the

enjoyment of passers-by. Gratuities gratefully accepted.

Edwards: To be hired by Republican operatives to help make the protests against Obama’s healthcare plan

look diverse.

16. For the owners of  

Sarasota Quay

Storm: To do all they can do to improve the present status of what has become a de facto city park.

Coolidge: To open an Irish pub—call it the Quaygmire—and invite all the bankers in for a free (almost) pint of the good stuff. Jig dancing optional.

Kirschner: To wait for Zeb Portanova to find his passbook savings account so he can buy the place from us for $85 million.

17. For Marshall Rousseau,

acting director of the

Ringling Museum

Storm: To turn the entire museum into a gift shop.

Edwards: To promote Treviso as a great place to have lunch—especially the grilled cheese and tomato sandwich—and the dirty martini.

Bentley: To require all UnGala guests to attend an art history lecture before the party.

Coolidge: To ensure that free admission on Mondays for Florida residents will continue forever.

18. For former Alaska governor

Sarah Palin

McCurdy: To bow to public desire and become a Playboy centerfold.

Kirschner: To invite Dick Cheney and Rush Limbaugh to go moose hunting in Alaska.

Morgan: To win her election as Queen of White Trash Nation.

Edwards: To read The Female Eunuch by Germaine Greer, because she seems completely oblivious to the history of women and the damage she is doing to their cause.

Coolidge: Now that she’s written a book, to actually sit down and read one. z

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