Bone Appetit

A Manatee County audit recently flagged questionable spending, including $225 for decorative cookies to celebrate a department service dog’s birthday. The dog has not been accused of wrongdoing and, based on all available evidence, remains the most likable public employee involved.

“Duh. I Forgot the Meth.”

A customs and border patrol officer flagged a package at a UPS store in Kentucky that had been sent from Mexico and was on its way to Palmetto. “Possible drugs,” the officer thought. Correctomundo! The package contained 2.04 kilograms of methamphetamine. A Homeland Security officer placed a device in the package to alert law enforcement when it arrived in Palmetto and had been opened so that local police could make an arrest. But there was a slight complication. The Homeland Security officer didn’t put the meth back in the package—“a miscommunication,” according to the police report. Palmetto police arrested two people for picking up the package, but without the drugs, the judge found insufficient probable cause to even hold the defendants to answer to the charge. Apparently, even judges need drugs.

Publix Discovers Guns Are Not BOGO

Publix appears to be backing away from its brief experiment in letting customers openly carry guns while buying birthday cakes and two-for-one salad dressing. New signs at some stores ask that only law enforcement openly carry firearms inside, a policy clarification that suggests someone at Publix finally asked why the man picking out his yogurt needed a gun. The change follows backlash after Publix allowed open carry in Florida stores after a court ruling, even though private businesses can still say, “No, thanks, we’d prefer the only thing loaded in here to be the baked potatoes.”