Why be consistent when you could just have more screen time? (Pictured: model Kelsey.)

Image: Courtesy MTV

Having moved to Sarasota five years ago from Miami, I was intrigued about "Don't Come to My Trip." The Siesta Key crew road-tripped to Miami to celebrate protagonist Juliette's birthday. But first, the show needs to wrap up the events from last week. 

We're back at the White Buffalo Saloon, and Juliette's frenemy Chloe has switched from a stranger to a regular in Juliette's life quicker than a snowbird's return to Sarasota during the season. She plops next to a weeping Juliette at the bar and consoles Juliette about her boyfriend, Alex, who yelled at her about paying for her food. No slice of pizza is ever worth treating your girlfriend like crap. 

But we're never given a resolution to that situation as the crew zips up their designer suitcases and wheels them into their matching designer cars. If, like me, you were curious to know how MTV would treat Miami, the entire episode features the same dimly lit beach conversations and spa scenes as Siesta Key. I would have no idea that they left Sarasota if we weren't treated to B-roll of my city in every transition shot. 

To prepare for this beach "getaway," Juliette's friend Garrett brings Alex's old flame, Cara, as his date. This is not good. Once again, Juliette is angry to see her boyfriend's ex at an outing, while Cara doesn't see what the big deal is, considering Alex has slept with virtually everyone that Juliette knows. So not only are we treated to the same beach setting as previous episodes, the conflict is recycled as well. And maybe it's because I interviewed party hosts on the do's-and-don'ts of party planning, but I agree with Juliette. It's her birthday and she doesn't need a reason to not want someone there.

What's even more painful is how Garrett struggles to convey any emotion in his monotone voice. I wouldn't be surprised if his lines were coming off a teleprompter as he defends his choice to bring Cara. It's also weird to see Cara insist that it's perfectly OK to attend the party of someone who doesn't want her there. 

But to play devil's advocate, it's hard to believe that this is really Juliette's birthday, and not just some manufactured scene that the producers needed to carry on the plot. Wasn't it Alex's birthday, like, two episodes ago? Is Cara simply dealing with being the butt of someone's anger for more screen time and a bigger paycheck? 

And I'd almost believe Cara's insistence that she wants nothing to do with Alex, if we weren't treated to a later scene in which Cara point-blank tells Alex that she misses him before slyly touching his hand. Um, what? She insists she is soooo over Alex—but come to find out she wants a piece of the heir to the 1-800-Ask-Gary Kompothecras fortune. Oh, and Garrett is standing right there while all of this is happening.  

I'm convinced that Garrett feels nothing.

Image: Courtesy MTV

The next day, still in Miami, Juliette and Garrett sit next to each other at a spa in a totally-not-planned-at-all-what-are-you-talking-about scene. She tells Garrett that he's an easy target for manipulation, and questions Cara's intentions. 

Meanwhile, back in Sarasota, romance is brewing between bad boy Jared and model Kelsey. They went skinny-dipping (and maybe more!), and now there's a video of them being shared across social media.  This is bad because Kelsey has a boyfriend who lands at the good ol' Sarasota-Bradenton International Airport as the credits roll.

In contrast, throwaway character Ben asks Madisson, an old flame of Alex's, to go steady, and Canvas, a new character and friend of the crew who spends most of her time at a tiki bar, has feelings for a girl. These are the only two redeeming plot lines in a show that takes commitment and throws it out the window. 

Until next time. Keep in mind that there are better, more romantic things you can do this month than watch this show. I even compiled them for you. Heart-shaped pizza, anyone? 

Wanna brush up on what’s happened thus far? Read past recaps of Siesta Key here.

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