Have you ever noticed that while there are many kinds of husbands, there seem to be only two kinds of wives? There are the wives who tell husband jokes all day long and e-mail each other more husband jokes and just can’t get enough of thinly veiled, partner trash-talking. Men can’t put out the garbage without breaking the bag, can’t find common items in the grocery store (or can’t even find the grocery store). They can’t stand the opera or they can’t multi-task, fix the plumbing, wash the dishes, remember birthdays or buy the right gift when they do. Each husband with this category of wife has his own special list of deficits.

The second wife category makes us go “awwww,” the way kittens and babies do. These adoring spouses think their husbands absolutely walk on water. But then they have husbands who think their wives look as good as Miss America even after they’ve had three children and gained 60 pounds.

These husbands remember to give little gifts and say kind things and don’t mind PDAs, shopping on Saturday or endlessly talking things over. Consequently, their wives gaze at them with soppy admiration (all the time) and can’t find a single fault in anything they do.

Always on the hunt for excellence, SARASOTA Magazine searched high and low for the very best of the breed to enter its “Hottest Husband” contest. Saks loved the idea and had a Hottest Husbands Valentine’s event for the benefit of the men’s cancer programs at The Wellness Community. Some of our best friends weren’t there, either because they think wellness is some scary New Age thing or because they didn’t want SARASOTA’s Bob Plunket to judge their husbands in the bathing suit contest. Come on, what’s the matter with you?

Saks loves to do this kind of thing. Our favorite glamour store has about 10 in-store charity events a year. Sally Schule was putting Red Hots in red candles when I asked her how she chooses among the 14,000 and counting not-for-profits in the area. “We like to do new and innovative fun things for our customers, and we love to meet new people,” she said. Hottest Husbands and The Wellness Community just came together for her. “We wanted to do something for the guys this time.”

Wives were there in droves, promoting their men for the hot spot. Jackie Massey was there with husband Eric, while mother-in law Jacqueline Morton, who also has a hot husband, David, was home babysitting four-year-old Grant. Jackie says Eric is so special that she mows the lawn, cleans the house, does the laundry and gives him fresh-squeezed orange juice every day, which definitely qualifies her for hardest-working wife.

Veronica Brady nominated husband Jay, but he got nervous when I told him about the bathing suit contest. “I didn’t hear anything about a bathing suit contest,” he said, looking for the door. (There wasn’t one. I was just teasing.) Carol Tisch wanted to nominate husband Howard, but he said, “I’ve cooled off with age. I’m too old to be hot.” Pish tosh.

Gordon and Sandra Bratter came with old friends Michael and Susan Master. Sandra revealed what makes Gordon hot.: “I tell him my dreams, and he makes them come true,” she said. Awwww. Susan has been married to Michael for 28 years. “He’s my childhood sweetheart,” she explained. Deb Knowles, still frisky from her recent cancan dance for the ARC gala, was there with Charles (and maybe her dog, Chiquita, in her purse—you never know). Charles was looking every inch the hot husband. Bonnie and Jeff Lawenda were supporters but not contenders—he’s the publisher of SARASOTA and staff can’t enter.

Scott and Roxanne Permesley weren’t competing, either. “We’re here for Wellness,” Roxanne said.  I’m not sure whether Kathy Boivin nominated husband Paul or not. Some people were shy. Kate Shaver, whose husband David is on the board of the Wellness Community, wanted to, but he wouldn’t let her. And Danielle Kanter said of Steven, “My husband is so hot he couldn’t even be seen here.”

Some husbands, wanting desperately to win, were confused and mopey even after the great appetizers and spicy, red-hot martinis from Fete Catering, the foot-tapping music, and a dance by the adorable Fuzíon Dancers in cute skirts. “Get real,” these hopefuls told me. “They’re only going to choose the guy who spends the most money at Saks.”

I set them straight. “See that guy over there with the beard and the judge T-shirt [Bob Plunket]? He’s not from Saks. See those women with dark hair and Hottest Judge T-shirts? They’re not from Saks. They have no idea how much you spend here,” I assured them. In addition to Bob, Jay Lockaby, Aimee Chouinard and Laurel Healy from the Wellness Community, as well as Sarah Daily and Pam Daniel from the magazine, were serving as Their Honors. The hopefuls perked up right away. “Are you a judge?” they asked. “Definitely,” I lied. “What makes you the hottest husband?” And then they told me—sometimes more than I wanted to know.