But of course the real test of a steakhouse is the steak, and here I'd give Bern's a B plus. It's not the best I've ever had but it is a cut above most. It should be; the menu describes all possible permutations, then you and your waiter have an in-depth conversation about exactly what's going to happen. Doctors should plan operations as carefully as they plan steaks at Bern's. The meat's most distinctive feature was a crinkly crust around the fat. You also get soup (onion or vichysoisse), a forgettable salad, some carrots soaked in liquor and a passable baked potato.

After dinner but before dessert you are offered a tour of the place, and by all means take it-once. The kitchen is about what you would expect, but the wine cellar is a bit of a shock. Vincent Price could film a movie here. First of all, it's the biggest wine cellar of any restaurant in the world, nice and chilly, dark and maze-like, the bottles covered with dust. And this is only part of Bern's wine holdings; there are other buildings scattered throughout the neighborhood, and the collection is said to be worth $30-40 million dollars. I got a sniff of something from 1814 and I must say, it was quite intriguing. Very fruity.

Bern's saves the best (or the worst) for last. It is the custom to go upstairs for dessert, where they have an endless maze of little rooms. An empty one is found for you and your party. This sounds nice but it doesn't quite work; the tiny rooms are not very comfortable and they're too brightly lit. And who wants to be locked with your boss in a little tiny room, as happened to me.

When you finally exit Bern's it's like returning to earth. The door closes and you're in a parking lot in Tampa, Florida, in the middle of the night. Fortunately, one of Tampa's claims to fame is a sleazy and corrupt nightlife. One of its strip clubs, the Mons Venus, is world famous for setting new heights- or lows-in the industry. And it is not alone. The whole area around Dale Mabry teems with something for every taste.

And there I am, with my goody-two-shoes boss in tow. Boy, have I learned my lesson about having dinner in Tampa-bring two cars.